Tonight I obtained my Star Wars lifetime premiere. having watched not a single one of the Star Wars films to date, ever. I walked in on it after flying my hawk this afternoon and thought that, since I now have a relationship with Darth Vader, I'd better be taking notes.
So I did. And this is what they were:
"Before the Dark Times," said Obi-Wan, "before the Empire..."
before corruption and stupidity overtook the order within chaos and turned everything into a melee soup of vicious retribution and hatred, "....one was seduced by the Dark Side of the Force. It binds the Galaxy together."
And we find that, indeed, yes it does, in the form of Dark Matter which scientists are failing dismally to put a handle on, squirling as it is in the palm of their hands because they don't yet know where to look for it.
"Learn about the Force, Luke," he implores in a cave, when nothing surrounds them but rock, the fabric of the Earth.
Then Darth Vader comes stage left to make a point with a force choke:
""Don't be too proud of the technological marvel you've constructed," he snorts before condemning a feeble assailant to a near-death experience. "I find your lack of faith disturbing."
"The Force can have a strong influence on the weak mind," says Obi the Master, having demonstrated this, as my own Master did in 2000, with a situation in which the mastery of quantum entanglement could be shown its strength in real spacetime. For one nanosecond of life, Obi had a chance to prove to Luke what he knew to be true. So he took it.
Then Hans Solo leaps to the set and bravado, guns, battles and a thirst for explosions threatens the stability of harmonious harmonics. Hans thinks the Force is just a load of mumbo-jumbo and nothing beats a big cannon.
"I've been looking forward to this for a long time," says a squirly green alien.
"I bet you have, " says Hans, promptly blowing him to bits. "Sorry about the mess," he grunts to the onlookers.
Then the adverts have their say, and for proof of this you'll have to verify the evidence by accessing the screening of Star Wars on UK television tonight at 17 to 19.00 GMT or thereabouts - I can't even find a schedule for it now, because it's gone.
"It's not going to get any better if you ignore it," from the New Advanced Events range. "Can you switch it up? Stereo speakers for sound worth hearing - here's the change. Got a little taste for adventure? He'd worked so hard to make this happen. When it comes together, the seasons change. So head over this Autumn, c'mon, c'mon, come ON!" (Bell) "We know just how the morning can feel."
Enter The Imperial One, sounding just a little dazed.
"Her resistance to the mind probe is formidable," he reports impassively. "It may be some time."
Meanwhile, Hans is negotiating with cuddly Jabba the Hutt, and assures him kindly, "You're a wonderful human being." Given the green light, Hans climbs aboard his craft and off he goes into the cosmos for an adventure he's craved for as long as ever he can remember. And the picture last used in my Net Blog comes onscreen, a surprise of thunderous note for me as I'd no idea it was from Star Wars. "Strap yourselves in, I'm going to make the jump to Light Speed..."
Leia is trying to talk some sense into Peter Cushing, which as he is eternally bad, is proving a little difficult.
"The more you tighten your grip, the more will slip through your fingers."
In true style of a scientist who has convinced himself beyond doubt of boxes existing around him, Grand Moff says wearily,
"I grow tired of asking this, so this is the last time..."
Back in the fastest lightspeed craft of all time, Hans Solo is standing his ground again.
"Oki religions are no match for a missile," he insists. But O has better ideas.
"Act on instinct," he tells Luke positively. "Your eyes can deceive you, don't trust them. Stretch out with your feelings..." A momentary distraction questions him about the luck factor. "In my experience," he replies, "there's no such thing as luck."
"You've just taken your first step," O continues, so whatever you were thinking just then is on track; "You can't win, but there are alternatives to fighting."
Darth stands, like a dog that has detected game it can't quite point to. "I sense something..." he murmurs. "A presence I've not felt since...."
The tannoy kicks in. "There's no-one here!"
As Obi-Wan and Luke split destinies, O reminds him, "The Force will be with you always."
More adverts, which tell us that if there's no home for nature, there'll be no nature. "If you build it, they'll come." I've never in my life seen an advert for the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds on the TV before. Never.
Time for adventure, time to make new friends, time for battle. Are they listening to us, these intellects which are vastly greater than our own, listening for seeds of sentience while our technology is clumsily fumbling around looking for them? Are they talking to those who have chosen to listen? Don't you think they might be able to access our technology, like taking candy from a baby? One,two, three....
"I can't see a thing through this helmet," whines Luke in a lift.
Back in the echelons of Dark Lordliness, Grand Moff reminds Darth Vader of the perilous precipice of his heritage. "You, my friend, are all that's left of your religion."
That's where my Star Wars virginity break ended, and I sat up gasping, as my kid came strolling through the front door, making the dogs bark and making me get up and go do something else with my life to take me away from the lure of disbelief suspension on TV. Not before having had some fun with a notebook, though, and a couple of glasses of wine.
May the Force be with you, Imperial One. And also with you, of course.
Kathy is the author of Quantumology. She met up with quantum mechanics in 1997, pledging allegiance to its sources thereafter. These are her personal thoughts and testimonies.